I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
