Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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