I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
