I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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