I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
