Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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