So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
