Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
