Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
