I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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