Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
