do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
