your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just gargled with NyQuil
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
