I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
