I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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