theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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