the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
