dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
