THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
