The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I would ride that face into the sunset
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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