I think I am morally bankrupt
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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