For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Best friends brother. Beat that.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
