summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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