I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
