Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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