he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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