dude i'm inner monologue high
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
