It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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