What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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