she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
