what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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