sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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