i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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