Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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