where are you?
Hypothermia
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
