The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
