So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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