I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
