we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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