smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
