Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
