You don't have asthma, your pregnant
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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