i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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