all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
