A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My bed smells like the plague
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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