bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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