The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
