can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
There r osticjed everywhere
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
