I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
