Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
